Wed 10 Mar 2010
How am I messed up am I ? Let me count the ways:
I am insecure. I am (often) immature. I am (usually) impulsive. I am (monthly) moody and hormonal.
I sometimes get panicky and paranoid. I get angry over lame things, I act like a jerk. I yell. I nag. I do all the things I know not to do. I self medicate with chocolate and junk food and junk entertainment- instead of turning to the healer who loves me.
It’s easier for me to forgive others than it is for me to forgive myself. Sometimes my failings replay in my mind like a movie and I’m strapped in the theater seat, unable to escape from reviewing. It’s a struggle for me to stop the movie and change the show. But I can. With God’s help.
Yup. Told ya. I’m Messed up. I know all the reasons why I’m messed up…and I actually do a pretty good job managing the crazy… but you know what? It doesn’t change it.
I still am.
I’m coming to realize we all are. And it does NOT define us.
A few weeks ago I made a short video.. about how I matter. And about how YOU matter.
watch it…. let’s see if you notice what I noticed…..
Once I got past the whole “I hate my head and my voice” thing.. I noticed something about the video… as I’m talking about how much “I matter”… I’m not very convincing. My eyes are darting to the notes I have tacked up on the chair behind the camera…I look nervous. Honestly? I look like I’m lying. Or maybe like I’m just saying the right thing…Maybe, I was.
And then- I start talking about how much YOU matter.
And I believe it. You can see it. My eye contact changes… my demeanor changes…my voice has an authority that comes with the truth…I KNOW that “mothers” matter. I believe that YOU matter…
It’s time I start believing that I matter.
I mean really… if I’m called to share this truth with others.. it’s kind of important that I BELIEVE it.. don’t you think? Who believes a liar?
I am not defined by my past, I am not defined by my failures… I AM defined by who God says I am… Loved. Cherished. Forgiven. Called. Imperfect. Willing. Changing. Growing. Beautiful. Just as I am. Crazy and all.
I want to start believing it… what about you? I think prayer is the only route to move from head belief to heart belief.. join me?
“Dear Lord… my messed-up-ness is not a surprise to you. My crazy and my failures are not bigger than your grace. regardless of how I feel…I am held in your love and you whisper the truth about who I really I am: I am Loved. I am Cherished. I am Forgiven. I am Called. I am perfectly- Imperfect. I am Willing. I am Changing. I am Growing. Help me hear your whispers of truth Lord.. and help me to believe them… I love you Lord- amen. “
Lord- I believe.. help me in my unbelief….
“Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”
“From childhood,” he answered. “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
” ‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.”
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”.……..
He replied, “This kind can come out only by prayer.”