It is well, with my soul. If not my life.

My house is a mess. One dog is throwing up, and another seems to think the aroma around here should change. No, he's not a sudden Young Living fan. This is not an essential oil thing.

Laundry? It's in process. In process of being rewashed for the 15th time. I accidentally locked myself out of several accounts trying to "adult" and take care of business. I kept messing up my login info. I have financial decisions to make that are way beyond my pay grade, but, someone has to make them and the 15 year old can't sign checks. (Which is probably good. We only need so much root beer and ramen.) the same child also said a really choice word online today. He was "quoting" someone else. But still. Gah!

I have suddenly become a single mom of a teenager who is absolutely set on keeping me up all night with his gaming noise, and practicing driving everyday. (These two things? Do not add up well. In order to be pseudo calm this momma needs some sleep.) Let's just say reaction times vary. A lot.

There are vehicular decisions to be made and acted upon and I just keep hoping a car fairy will wave it's magic wand and turn two cars into one without craigslist drama or trauma. So far? No fairy. She's probably hanging out in some tiny Pinterest garden on Guam and is about to be nuked by crazy people.

Oh. And the current political climate is giving me hives and a twitch.

My heart is hurting and cranky and crazy and tired and stressed. So is my family.

Tomorrow we have a leadership team retreat and honestly? I'd rather retreat under a bridge and become a troll. Oh wait, when I actually noticed my eyebrows for the first tine in months- I noticed them turning white and weird. Maybe, I'm already a troll.

But you know what? In the middle of dog barf and pee, and cussing, and laundry and lonely nights and long days….

I can say this with assurance: it is well with my soul.

Even here, when nothing else is right, right now.

Which is a beautiful, crazy, amazing kind of thing. I'm grieving hard. But, I have hope. I'm hurting, but it's from love. It's messy. But, messes can be cleaned up. Decisions need making that I can't make- but they can be made with wise counsel. Mistakes will be made and accounts will be locked and phone calls made accounts unlocked and life will go on. (Even when it feeeels like making a phone call will kill me. Have I mentioned I hate the phone?) world events? Happen.

But my soul? Has peace. My soul? Knows that regardless of my circumstances there is more. More to life. More to live. More to experience. More to this world. When it's all overwhelming? It is still well. Because I'm not alone. Even here. When I feel like I am. My soul? Has a place to rest its deepest needs and heal its deepest hurts. I know- because we've done this in other circumstances, before.

I can't explain the "how's" of a soul being well in the middle of a life tsunami, but I can explain the experience. It's sensing peace when there is currently a storm. It's feeling hope when all is lost.

Basically? It's a little like being insane only being too aware that it's kind of insane to actually be: insane.

Read that again.

Nope. It doesn't make sense.

Neither does being well with my soul even here- when it's not right with my life.

So I'll just let it be.

If you're facing a tsunami of life, I pray that it will be well with your soul. Even if it's not well with your life. Go to the perfect keeper of peace. Yell if you need to. He can deal. Get the angst out. The fear. The worry. (Worry is the practicing of anxiety. Not having anxiety. Practicing at it till you have a Liam like certain set of anxiety skills. (Someone will get that. Comment if it's you.) Ask the questions. They lose their power when they're spoken, even if we don't get answers. And maybe read this- it helps me.

From Psalm 139-

7Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

8If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

11If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

12even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

13For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

17How precious to me are your thoughts,a God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you.

Dear lord, it is well with my soul. Even here. May it be true tomorrow and forever and for all who read. Give us eyes to see and ears to hear. Help us find you in the deepest mess, and trust you with our deepest mess. In Jesus name- amen.

One thought on “It is well, with my soul. If not my life.

  1. Jeannie says:

    Beautifully stated, Tracey!

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