I can’t even.
Believe we’re in the hospital, again.
Believe the timing. (Days before my youngest turns 14.)
Keep up with how many different specialist consults we’ve had.
Do laundry. (Can’t even remember how many times I’ve re-washed the load that’s currently in there….ewwwe.)
Deal with the old fat beagle peeing on the floor.
Deal with the valet being full at the hospital. (I’m on floor 1.5 in case I freak out tomorrow, when I hopefully leave. For at least a while. I may need you to remind me.)
Believe how expensive and horrifying a hobby, cancer is. Even with insurance. Cancer is a sucktastic hobby, btw. I don’t recommend it.
Figure out what to cancel and what to keep on the calendar.
Figure out how to grocery shop from the hospital.
Take care of everything and everyone.
Stand the crazies in the er. Even though I’m fully aware, that I am one of them.
Remember what bills are paid and which are not.
Fix what’s wrong.
Make everyone feel ok.
Reply to all texts and messages.
Think about what ifs.
Deal with guilt.
I. just. can’t. even.
Yet, I have too. Some how.
Been there? It’s hard. Okay, let’s be real, “hard” doesn’t begin. It feels like there’s an elephant sitting on my head and I’m trying to continue about with life, while both carrying and balancing the elephant. Because if that sucker falls, were all dead.
My elephant is currently my husbands cancer. But I think we all have one of some kind. Some giant, hard, heart breaking or overwhelming & frustrating elephant. That we try to carry and balance. Alone.
That we just can’t even.
This morning, I did something hard. I asked for help with all that weight.
I asked my Italian momma to buy groceries. I asked my party planning goddess friend to plan something for the birthday boy. I asked another friend to take him McDonald’s, just so he feels loved.
Last week, I asked a friend to create something beautiful to remind me to hope…always. In God, in love in all things.
I’m glad I did. I don’t know why I waited so long to ask for help, maybe it’s because I’m a control freak. Maybe it’s because I’m stubborn and proud. Or because I feel responsible for the universe.
Right now…. I’m still feeling the elephant. It’s in the room with me. But, it’s no longer on my head. It’s being shifted around and shared with others.
And at this moment, while my husband naps between morphine shots… I feel like maybe I can. Even here. With your help.
What’s weighing on you? What’s that thing you can’t even? A problem pregnancy? Financial crisis? Job loss? Relationship crap? Chronic illness? Emotions out of control? Hormones making you insane? Kids causing havoc? Or just daily frustrations that pile one on another until they’re an elephant all together?
Maybe it’s time to let God be with you and help you….through the people who love you.
I have a feeling that maybe you can too…..with help. If I can, anyone can.
Asking for help is hard. It’s also worth it.
Feel alone with your elephant? You’re not. Comment. Tell me your elephants name.I’ll reply as I can, but I’ll pray immediately. It’s holy to share our pain and burdens. Even here, on the Internet.
Dear lord, you know I just can’t even. Please be with me even here. Please make me brave enough to ask for help, wise enough to,know what I need, and when don’t, send smart friends and family to tell me and ask. Help me to not carry what isn’t mine, and help me to bear what is. Be with those I love even when I can’t be. Help me lord….when I just can’t even pray. I love you lord, in your name…amen.