Even Here, When I Can’t Even.

I can’t even.  

 Believe we’re facing another cancer crisis. 

Believe we’re in the hospital, again.

Believe the timing. (Days before my youngest turns 14.)

Keep up with how many different specialist consults we’ve had.

Do laundry. (Can’t even remember how many times I’ve re-washed the load that’s currently in there….ewwwe.)

Do dishes.

Deal with the old fat beagle peeing on the floor.

Sleep.

Stay awake.

Deal with the valet being full at the hospital. (I’m on floor 1.5 in case I freak out tomorrow, when I hopefully leave. For at least a while. I may need you to remind me.)

Believe how expensive and horrifying a hobby, cancer is. Even with insurance. Cancer is a sucktastic hobby, btw. I don’t recommend it.

Figure out what to cancel and what to keep on the calendar.

Figure out how to grocery shop from the hospital.
Take care of everything and everyone.

Stand the crazies in the er. Even though I’m fully aware, that  I am one of them.

Remember what bills are paid and which are not.

Fix what’s wrong.

Make everyone feel ok.

Reply to all texts and messages.

Think about what ifs.

Deal with guilt.

I. just. can’t. even. 

Yet, I have too. Some how.

Been there? It’s hard. Okay, let’s be real, “hard” doesn’t begin. It feels like there’s an elephant sitting on my head and I’m trying to continue about with life, while both carrying and balancing the elephant. Because if that sucker falls, were all dead. 

My elephant is currently my husbands cancer. But I think we all have one of some kind. Some giant, hard, heart breaking or overwhelming & frustrating elephant. That we try to carry and balance. Alone.

That we just can’t even.

This morning, I did something hard. I asked for help with all that weight.

I asked my Italian momma to buy groceries. I asked my party planning goddess friend to plan something for the birthday boy. I asked another friend to take him McDonald’s, just so he feels loved.

Last week, I asked a friend to create something beautiful to remind me to hope…always. In God, in love in all things.

I’m glad I did. I don’t know why I waited so long to ask for help, maybe it’s because I’m a control freak. Maybe it’s because I’m stubborn and proud. Or because I feel responsible for the universe. 

Right now…. I’m still feeling the elephant. It’s in the room with me. But, it’s no longer on my head. It’s being shifted around and shared with others. 

And at this moment, while my husband naps between morphine shots… I feel like maybe I can. Even here. With your help.

What’s weighing on you? What’s that thing you can’t even? A problem pregnancy? Financial crisis? Job loss? Relationship crap? Chronic illness? Emotions out of control? Hormones making you insane? Kids causing havoc? Or just daily frustrations that pile one on another until they’re an elephant all together? 

Maybe it’s time to let God be with you and help you….through the people who love you. 

I have a feeling that maybe you can too…..with help. If I can, anyone can. 

Asking for help is hard. It’s also worth it.

Feel alone with your elephant? You’re not. Comment. Tell me your elephants name.I’ll reply as I can, but I’ll pray immediately. It’s holy to share our pain and burdens. Even here, on the Internet.

Dear lord, you know I just can’t even. Please be with me even here. Please make me brave enough to ask for help, wise enough to,know what I need, and when don’t, send smart friends and family to tell me and ask. Help me to not carry what isn’t mine, and help me to bear what is. Be with those I love even when I can’t be. Help me lord….when  I just can’t even pray. I love you lord, in your name…amen.

7 thoughts on “Even Here, When I Can’t Even.

  1. Sarah says:

    Thank you for this. For naming mine. I feel so trapped by crazy post partum hormones, and know that it isn’t nearly as bad as some, but more than I can do alone. I’m praying for you and yours too

    1. Hormones are drugs… Post partum is incredibly hard. Don’t do it alone. Praying!!!

  2. Catherine Prell says:

    Reading this …crying for your situation, overwhelmed by my own…wondering as I lay awake at night how I can do all that is asked of me as well.
    I know that God is here… Even here. EVERY time I read that phrase (usually on your blog or Facebook) I’m instantly transported back to hearing it at convention years ago, and the relief is instant… Knowing that He is always here.
    Thank you for your reminders and your love and encouragement even in the midst of all of your trials.
    Praying for you today.

    1. Praying you see him, feel his presence and trust him when you don’t. Even here. I’m with you. I get it.

  3. Vicky Bognar says:

    Having faced 2 cancer diagnosis in our direct family in the past 12 months I appreciate your honesty in finding words for your feelings. God is and remains our strength. Praying for you and yours.

  4. Kristine Rasor says:

    My elephant is the uncertainty of where Rob will work after April 8th, and where will we live? How will bills get paid?Where will we land next? Where will food come from? Then I try to control it again, as I too am a control freak, and take it back from God after praying about it. He has this I just have to believe that.

  5. Amy Hahn says:

    I am so sorry you are back in the hospital. I can’t pretend to know how much this sucks, but I am praying for you. Really. And good for you for asking for help.I know how hard it is to ask for help. I pray God sends the help and support you need through all this.
    I really like your elephant analogy. I have a big elephant of my own weighing me down and have been unhappy for many years because of it. So many other people are in worse situations than mine though, so I don’t talk about it, don’t complain about it. After all, it could be so much worse.

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