In which I learn that: I can’t, until I have to- and then: I can. Because Jesus- does.

IMG_6994“I can’t do this.”

“Ok. Maybe I can do this, but I could never do THAT.”

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve said and thought those words in all their related-forms.

And yet, here I sit.  At my husband’s hospital bedside. (YES, FOR REAL. STILL.) On day 9 of a hospital stay we weren’t expecting. (This is the second hospitalization due to massive infection in the past 30 days.) For the record: Prostate cancer and it’s henchmen- chemo and radiation? REALLY SUCK.

I didn’t think I could make it through the first surgery. Or the second. Or, the third in a week. Until, I did. (He’s extra special.)

I didn’t think I could get through holding his hand during the post op wound care.  I hate seeing him in pain. Until, I did.

I didn’t think I could possibly WATCH the procedure. (We all know I’m squirmish. AKA: I have the unique super skills of having a vasovagal response at the drop of  a hat or, the glimpse of a needle.) Until, I did.

I never thought I could possibly help with THAT procedure. Until I did.

I absolutely didn’t think I could perform THAT procedure under supervision- Until, I did.

Why? Well- 1) Because, I have to.  They won’t let him go home until we can manage the wound care and pain levels in addition to his healing. 2) While there are plenty of rooms and food and bathrooms for my family to move in here. They frown upon dogs, and well- the wifi isn’t that great and, the rent is a little pricey. (Or so our insurance company says..)

Those are actually the secondary reasons why I can do this- and why he can….

The primary reason? Because: Jesus.

Yeah. It might sound ridiculous. You may not believe me. But, I know the truth. This woman who gags at picking up her own dogs poop, (and occasionally, during her own children’s diaper changes- once upon a time.) This woman who has fainted so often during ivs and blood draws that her husband knows to prepare for a catch- cannot do this. Not on her own.

There has been something supernatural here, getting us through it.

There is no other explanation. Not for the amazing people that have shown up- from surgical team to nurses and housekeeping- or the fact that I am nearly coherent enough to string words together into pseudo-sentences. Nope. That’s all beyond us.

My husband says the same. He’s been saying it all week.

This has been God.

We’ve just been doing our part. Which is: to take the next step. Do the next thing. Try. Even here. Where I never thought I’d be, and never thought I’d be able to function. Yet somehow- I can.

Again, because: Jesus. Jesus has brought peace to meet fears. Jesus has brought friends to hear our worries and hold us up in prayer when we;re to tired to even pray. Jesus has brought people of compassion to feed my kids, to call them, to care for them. (Yes, even big man children have a tough time with this kind of crap.) Jesus has sent messages of love through the words of family and friends. Jesus has brought strength to fill in our weaknesses.

Proof: I haven’t puked or passed out,  once. And at the moment- I’m pretty sure, that if that happened? Someone would scoop me up, give me a drink of water, and help me back to my feet, where I’d try to take the next step- again.

Because: Jesus, does.

I have no idea what you’re facing. I have no clue what your “I can’t” is. But, I’m here to say- that when you think you can’t—- and especially when you KNOW you can’t- ask and watch for God to show up- because then- suddenly or, not so suddenly- you CAN.

Because: Jesus- does.

Bravely. Taking the next steps-Even Here. Right along with you…. because this- is life.

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