A Mile in My Mismatched Shoes. One foot in a Nightmare, the Other in a Dream.

This is not where I’m supposed to be today. I’m supposed to be on some lovely beach in Hawaii. But: cancer happened. In a big nasty, scary way.

We thought we had things all planned out. Chemo 3 weeks ago- meant my husband should have been in the best part of the chemo cycle to go to Hawaii. Except- we got through the first week after treatment and he didn’t improve.

Instead: He felt worse. Then, he found some weird streaking around his chemo site. Finally, he spiked a temp.  All of which led to the fun cascade of events that happens when a cancer patient gets sick. Emergency calls to oncologist led to a trip to the ER. Where they put us straight to the head of the line- and in a private protective room. Because his white blood count was 1. (Hint: fast pass in ER is not  good sign.)

That was last Tuesday. We held out hope that maybe with some IV antibiotics he’d bounce back and we could still make our Thursday morning flight. (Denial. We had it.)

Not so much. Instead of Hawaii- we spent five days in the hospital.  I’m glad he’s still alive. (And that I am, too. Those recliner chairs in the hospital? KILLER. FYI: If you spill your entire giant Tervis cup of water on those vinyl chairs- it will drain straight to the floor and totally make it look like you pee’d yourself. Possibly several times. )

He’s finally feeling better.  (So are the rest of us-that was disappointing, scary and rough on the whole family. ) We may have missed Hawaii- but we headed out to our cottage, yesterday. It’s near enough to the hospital that we can be there without a problem.

Let’s hope we don’t have to.

If you ask “So- how are you?” I’d answer with this picture. Because that’s exactly how I feel.  My book proposal is about to go out into the world for it’s solo flight, we’re staying at the cottage  on a lake of our dreams, and- my husband is fighting Prostate cancer for his life.

One foot in a dream, one in a nightmare.

I can’t deny the nightmare. The brutality of cancer is irrefutable. The pain of the loss of his beautiful head of hair is harder on all of us than we expected. Missing out on Hawaii- sucked. Tears were shed. Many while hiding in the hospital bathroom. Seeing him unable to fight off an infection due to side effects of the chemo he needs to live? Torturous. More tears. Lots of tears. Lots of prayers.

I also can’t deny the dream.  Even here- God is present. Even here-we’re not alone. Friends surround us with love prayers and meals and help with whatever we need. Our family clings together with hope.  I am right now- sitting in the provision of God- our little shelter in the storm of life- our cottage. Something I know is both a dream and an extravagance.  (Financial ducks in a row or, not- I still feel a twinge of guilt over having a home and a cottage when I know that others are homeless, hungry and worse.)

I know we need this place. We don’t deserve it…… but we have it. Grace is like that.  This place reminds me of that.

So here I am-  one foot in a dream, the other in a nightmare- taking the next steps. Trusting. Hoping. Fearing. Struggling. Wrestling. Excited. Even here. Thank you for walking beside me.

betwixt and between

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