- I stomped my feet hard enough for the internets to hear as I grabbed the mop to clean up yet another pet accident. “I’m so sick of cleaning pee I could scream!” I may or may not have actually screamed to no one in particular. From toilet misses (That no one owns up to, of course.) to pet accidents -I’m so frustrated I’m considering putting every living creature in this house in diapers- including the plants. Between the urine and the puppies obsession with digging in the water bowl- I will be shocked if the pergo doesn’t soon resemble wind blown sand with all it’s wavy warp-age.
- Last night I briefly considered using a flame thrower to burn up the 10,000 tiny bits of paper the puppy also distributed like a socialist evenly over our entire foyer. (Operative word here- is puppy. Oh he’s lucky he’s cute….) It just seemed easier than vacuuming. Currently- vacuuming means I have to fend of small furry attackers who are convinced that the Dyson is an invader trying to harm our family. The flame thrower – also seemed more violently satisfying. And I could also use it to melt the 6 inches of ice on my driveway. Bonus: I could probably also cook dinner with it. I bet there’s a Pinterest board for flame thrower cooked meals.
- I also complained and mentally tantrum-med the entire time I picked up, refolded, re-sorted and re-organized 2 weeks worth of laundry off of my bedroom floor. Which had been accidentally pushed off the bed by the culprit of all things messy at my house: “Not Me.”
- I was furious when yesterdays 30 minute project turned into an all day project that only annoyed me more when I was finished with it. (I set up my blog on a new domain. Which has led to hundreds of spammy trackbacks and their subsequent emails that bury actual important email.) I wish cleaning out my inbox counted as house work. It really should. It takes just as long only there’s nothing to show for it when I’m done. Sometimes, I hate technology.
- Last week, I lost my keys and nearly killed everyone in the house looking for them. I was convinced there was a conspiracy against me. Of course they went missing as I was walking out the door to go give a talk at a MOPS Group. You know. To share the Love of Jesus and the necessity of real community with them. Right after spewing enough anger at my own closest community to drown them in venom. Well- I spewed as loudly as I could between wheezing fits- because the past 2 weeks have also been a crap-storm of sickness at our house. Forget about naming winter storms- I’m going to start naming winter virus attacks as they threaten the health and sanity of our family.
- Yesterday- my husband went grocery shopping and instead of being thankful he picked up things we needed- I was annoyed that I had to figure out where to put everything. (Cray-cray I know.)
- At this very moment- in the lower left hand corner of my laptop screen, my mail icon is jumping around as if it’s possessed by a tiny devil and is trying to make me insane. MacMail keeps insisting that my password is not my password. “YES, IT IS.” I have also clicked the “Save this to my keychain” button enough times that it should count as aerobic exercise. Too bad I can’t wear my fitbit on my finger.
- As I type- I’m banging away so hard on the keys that I’m half expecting Mac Protective Services to show up at my door and take my macbook into protective custody.
- This morning- the child who was pouring snot for 9 days straight and either called home for meds each day or was so suing of snot loss that he had to stay home and is finally feeling better- woke up with a tooth ache.
How did I respond? well- I’d like to say with loving compassion. Honestly? Not so much. I yelled at him to get dressed. I gave him ibuprofen and told him to stop faking. I slathered on oral pain reliever and told him to knock it off. I threatened to take away an upcoming very special treat. He left the house crying and was hysterical by the time hubby was half way to school.
They came home and made him a dentist appointment like any sane person would. This morning I’m blaming the jumping mail icon for my insanity.
The truth is, this list is just a tiny snapshot of all the things I’ve been crankily responding to. It seems like lately EVERYTHING is setting me off. Angst is lurking right below my emotional surface like a shark.
Maybe it’s everything. My inlaws are both in medical facilities due to different issues. This raises concerns and fears and guilt that no one wants to face…like: “What do we do now? What if we can’t of what they want?” The truth is we’re quickly joining the sandwiched generation and it’s not a PBJ- it’s a hot panini press of stress. Of course- then there was the aggravation of a parking lot car accident. And the subsequent car repairs and rental and hassle of being down another car when we already have 4 drivers 5 schedules and 3 cars on a good day. Then there’s always the background stress of cancer. And projects and information I’m waiting to hear on and keep getting confused about whether I’m waiting on God or people. Hint: When I think I’m waiting on people- I get even crankier. “Why haven’t they at least contacted me? Can I get some direction- closure? Anything? I want to yell: “Bueller, Bueller?”
So many things. So much crankiness. And to be quite frank- at the moment-I can’t even blame PMS. (That week will be here soon enough.)
Maybe, it’s the list that is the problem.
Maybe, it’s nothing.
Maybe, it’s just me. Maybe, I’m just CRANKY.
When I look at the list and think of all the other things I could have, but didn’t include- I feel quite justified in my crankiness. I mean, who wouldn’t be? Except for maybe, Jesus.
Whom- although I long to be more like…. I daily realize how impossible it is for me to be.
Hold on. Before you click the heretic button- or remind me how all things are possible in Christ Jesus- hear me out.
The truth is a lot of my angst has been over ME trying too hard to do all things and be all things and control all things and fix all things and make all people around me- happy. Which has nothing to do with Jesus and everything to do with: me. I can’t TRY to be like Jesus. That just ends up with me posing until i’ exhausted and CRANY. It has to come from him. In His time, through his process of change and redemption.
I can’t control the stressful things around me. But, I can control how I handle them. When I look back at the past few weeks- a big part of the problem has been ME trying to handle everything. On my own. And the best I’ve been able to manage is reluctantly and crankily.
I want to be done with that.
I wish I could say I had some life changing moment with God this morning where he adjusted my attitude and made my crankies go away. But, that would be lying. (Tempting- but lying.) I’ve got to admit- all this angst and crankiness has me feeling like a total- #christianfail. Maybe even a #humanfail. Which is NOT helping me deal with any of this in a better way. I’m just heaping guilt coals onto the fire of stress.
Instead- I’m just going to pray. Maybe you’re here today and you are angsty too. Maybe there is so much snow outside your window that you can’t see the sidewalk let alone shovel it. Maybe you’re snowed in and hanging by your last mommy thread of sanity. Maybe, you’re dealing with the panini press of elder care, financial stress, health crisis’ or annoyances- one after another. Maybe you’re overwhelmed and exhausted and trying to do it all and be it all and are failing miserably. Me too. At least we’re not alone.
“Dear Lord- you all the details and all the whining and all the coping I’ve been trying to do. You know how cranky I’ve been and how downright mean and insensitive and unkind I’ve been. I know that it’s because I’m trying too hard to control and fix and do too much on my own. I just don’t know how to stop. It seems like every direction I turn- I slam into another wall of stress or frustration. Theoretically- I know it’s YOU who are in control. I need you to pry my fingers off this stress- and help me trust in you. Help me to depend on you instead of trying so hard on my own. I love you lord- and am so thankful that you love me even at my cranky-ugliest. Help me to abide fully- even here- in the overwhelming mess of life. In Jesus name- amen.”
abide….I can’t escape the stress of life right now…. although I’re really like to. SO I’m praying that God shows me a way to abide IN it….fully and with love. Instead of crankiness.