Life is Complicated… Underwear Shouldn’t Be

I walked into Walmart a woman on a mission.  I was focused. I was ready. I strode confidently past end-cap, after end cap full of impulse purchase inducing swag. I chuckled at “the man’s” lame attempts to dissuade me from my goal.  “No, no way,not today Mr Marketer. I am not buying a bag of BBQ Rib flavored potato chips… or Shrek Oreos… Today it is about: ME and my panties.”

Today, I will buy: underwear without spiderman or a fly front!” I smiled in satisfaction at my Marine like, mission focus. I confidently strode toward the underwear aisle. And upon arrival, fell into a panty- induced stupor.

There was an aisle. Yes, I said aisle. An entire Walmart aisle of underwear. No wonder my confidence wavered. I was overwhelmed with underwear. And this was just the panty aisle.. I hadn’t even made it to the bra aisle.

Overwhelmed by underwear?  Why, Yes. Yes, I was.

Which is probably why I tend to buy underwear in spurts and sprees. As a typical mom – it can be eons between my panty-buying sprees.  ( Why is it we buy our kids enough new underwear to wallpaper their rooms, while ours wear away to a secret that  Victoria would rather have us keep to ourselves? Oh thats right- it’s  because we put other first.. I forgot. We should start a movement for re-distribution of underwear wealth. Enough for them- it’s time for me!  just sayin.) “Clean” is usually my main consideration in choosing. But, once in a while, the clouds lift and I notice the true condition of my underwear drawer. This clarity provokes a panty shopping spree.

Which is exactly, what had (yet again)  led me to the underwear aisle in Walmart.  Where I stood, reading labels like a Weight Watchers Savant. Except, the labels were on panties.  No lie. Underwear that requires instructions.

I told you it was complicated. And, it really shouldn’t be…

The options made my head spin. Here is just some of what I had to consider, as I stood there surrounded in micro-fiber, nylon and cotton:

Control- After 3 c-sections I have what could only be called a kangaroo pouch in which I could easily conceal a Volkswagon.  Control is important to me. But, really? Firm, Extra firm or Chevy Truck solid?  Which should I choose? I had no clue.  I moved on. (ok so Chevy truck sounds about right.. I’m controlling, this is not a secret.) For the record: I wear Spanxx whenever I speak or am in other high- stress looks matter types of situations.. I’ve been known to wear 2 pair under a formal gown….. I can’t BREATHE in them.. but I look good… so there’s that. SO if you ever see me speaking.. and wonder if I even take a breath between words.. the answer is NO. I don’t  can’t. I need to finish quickly so I can BREATHE.)

Fit- This is tricky. Buying women’s panties is a little like a crap shoot. You roll the dice- throw a package into the cart and they either fit when you get home, or they do not. Men’s underwear sizing is so simple… waist size is all you need. Women’s are a guessing game of epic proportions. There are high rise, low rise, full panty (code: for granny-panty) High waisted, High cut leg, boy-cut…. it boggles the mind. The truth is: I just want drawers that don’t sag, or creep up.. can’t we just have Creep and sag free? Please?

Material- Another tricky point. For regular wear- cotton is a comfy favorite.. And then there is exercising.. wearing nylon panties when I run is like trying to run in saran wrap… need to keep that in mind.  I like the silky shiny color options too… And really… underwear should match your outfit, in formality.. right?  Your fabric options set the tone…so….for “date night ” and such… I need something more special, less plebeian.  Wait, am I saying I need 3 wardrobes of underwear?  Gah. Complicated.

Silent fashion statement- Now, in my case, my panties are a personal statement of style not something I show- (just tell, apparently) but really- whether your thong song is heard by the world or not… your choice of panties is a fashion statement. An expression of style. As I stood in the Walmart aisle.. I wondered if I even knew who I was… do I even have a style?  Is it Spongebob? Sexxay? Can “Doesn’t make me look to fat” be a fashion statement?  I decided to forget style and look for color..At least I know what colors I like. I think.

Impact on self esteem- From how much you spend to fashion and material.. our panties are truly in a bunch… and they affect our self-esteem.  Granny panties make me feel.. well.. like a granny. The RIGHT pair of panties makes me feel like a momma-diva… you can’t buy self esteem…. but you can borrow some in the underwear aisle. (leopard print does it for me..just sayin: rawr!)

Panty lines- I don’t get it. (Most) of s wear panties… but we’re obsessed with trying to avoid the dreaded “visibly panty line” Really… what’s worse? Looking like you’re wearing them, or looking like you’re not? My mom would say: looking like you’re not. Oh wait.. no, she wouldn’t, in the battle of the panty line.. My mom wins. :P)

Husband’s preferences- Ok so….we all know this part of the complication is not exactly difficult.. but it’s another consideration… a complication of sorts. ;)

Potential for wardrobe malfunction- Will these pop out the back of my jeans like a piece of kleenex?  Is there risk of putting out an eye when I slip the sling-shot like straps over my hips? Just more to worry about…

All that said… feelings of overwhelmth (new word -over whelmed past tense. Whatever- I just made it up) over, investing in a few pretty pair of panties can really make me feel like a girl again.. not just a mom… I highly recommend facing the aisle of terror.

Now, my question is this: Isn’t life complicated enough?  Should buying underwear really be this hard? Oh wait.. maybe it’s just me…

Have you ever been overwhelmed in the underwear aisle?  Or am I alone I this one? WE will not mention being overwhelmed in Victoria Secret.. cause dude.. EVERYBODY is overwhelmed in there.. forget the “instructions” you need an underwear tutor!

To all the momma sisters out there.. I hereby declare today: Panty day. Really– throw out the granny panties and go buy yourself something comfy and sassy.. you’ll feel better. (At least, you will when it’s over:P)

repost- because really- who doesn’t giggle over panties?

7 thoughts on “Life is Complicated… Underwear Shouldn’t Be”

  1. Dang, girl. Now I’ve got MY big-girl panties in a wad over going to that aisle. They discontinued my favorite style, and I’ve bought THREE packages to be underwhelmed with the fit. AND, don’t even get me started on trying to keep the poochie under wraps UNDER the overgarments. Oy!

  2. HA! As the mom of four sons with nothing pink in the house, I really loved this!!

    Too much choice, though, I agree. I laughed about it being eons between your shopping trips. A couple of weeks ago I bought four pair of shoes on sale which is totally out of character for me. But then again, it had been FIVE years since I’d bought shoes!

    Loved this!

  3. Amen sista! Your blog entry not only made me laugh, it really hit home for me. For me it was bras though. Underwire or not? Front clasp vs. back clasp? Comfy cotton “tee-shirt” bra vs sexy lacy push-up bra? And don’t get me started about the padding, what with the gels and the foam and even some with an air pump! And the sizing?!? Oy vey! I used to wear my bras for about 10 years at a time, or until they made that dreaded “streeeetch” sound that means the elastic is shot, or the underwire started poking me in the armpit. All that to avoid the dreaded bra shopping. Then when I got pregnant, and then while I was nursing, it was great because my choices were much more limited; nursing bras only come in a few colors and styles! Yeah, they were “granny-bras”, but they got the job done and I didn’t have to worry about what to put on in the morning!

    I’m happy to report though that I’ve matured quite a bit in my bra shopping strategy. I now treat myself to new bras (and panties) every 6 months (which my husband even encourages). I have found a brand and style that suits my everyday needs, and then, every once in a while, I’ll splurge and get something really outrageous, like a sheer bra and panty set by Calvin Klein. After 2 kids and 3 years of nursing in total, my girls need all the help they can get, and it’s important that they look good too!

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