We don’t even have a clock that is actually ticking. (We have a few that could, if someone wound them. But clock winding is way down on the housekeeping priority list. So far down the list, that they haven’t been wound in years.) Anyway– I swear I can hear one ticking…. “Tick, Tock. Tick… Tick…. Tick.. Tick.Tick.” It’s speeding up. It seems to be ticking faster and louder the past few days. I know it is. If time flies- I’m pretty sure it just broke the sound barrier.
Or, I may be losing my mind. In general- auditory hallucinations? Not a good thing.
It’s not a hallucination. It’s not even an audible sound. But, it is a clock that has run in the background of our life since my husband’s diagnosis with Prostate cancer. Sometimes, its’ ticking has felt like the ticking away of our time together. At other times- like a countdown clock in a ballgame we’re about to win, or lose. Sometimes, it ticks loud enough to drown out the sounds of a busy, noisy family. Sometimes it’s so quiet, I [almost] think it stopped.
This is not, a quiet ticking week.
This is a week where the ticking is thunderous.
This is a PSA testing week.
“Tick. Tock. TICK. Tock. TICK! TOCK! ”
Honestly? I have no idea what we’re ticking down to. I can only hear the ticking. We could be ticking down to a field goal kind of week. This could be the third, non-detectable PSA in a row! (Is that a prostate cancer hat trick? I think so. Yes, it is. I just decided. Awesome.) The field goal count down would mean: we have more space for our lungs to fully expand. A chance to take some cancer-free breaths for the first time, in a long time.
It could also be ticking away to another cancer grenade. An attack we have to fight. (And we will. Oh, we will. Trust me.) A creeping PSA test means: the cancer is still somewhere and we start the next round. I don’t know what the next round means. I refuse to Google it. (Just a tip: when fighting cancer? Google is not your best source for treatment planning and information. You’re welcome. I just saved you a potential nervous breakdown. Except, you probably won’t listen. You will Google. You may obsess. You may have to learn the hard way- like I did. Don’t worry- I’ll be here when you’re done.)
Regardless of what the clock is ticking down to- I know this: Like it or not- we’ll get through it.
That doesn’t mean I believe God will make “everything okay.” (Even though, I believe he can heal- people die. Hence- he obviously doesn’t always heal. Justsayin.) It does mean: I know that His grace that has already sustained us through so much- diagnosis, surgery, treatment etc. can and will sustain us through whatever comes next. (That’s just this ONE issue’s list of grace. Multiply that by all the other issues we’ve faced as a family? And the Grace tally adds up to a thunderous chorus of resounding grace. We’re talking every band ever created playing it’s heart out- at the same time, kind of sound. (Only, probably more harmonic. Okay? Let’s face it- The Clash playing with The Philharmonic, Def Leppard and Green Day, may not exactly be harmonic, but it sure would be loud.)
Louder than cancer.
Louder than any diagnosis.
Louder than my whining complaints and worries.
Louder than the ticking clock that haunts a million insomnia-filled nights.
Grace is like that.
Grace sustains by resonating through our lives. All of it. Every moment. Louder than any background noise or cancer grenade.
Grace is not ticking away this week- grace is building to a crescendo.
Regardless of the PSA outcome. regardless of prognosis or treatment plan.
Grace will. It always does. Grace keeps us going and growing and renewed. Even here.
“Dear Lord- I don’t know who’s reading today. I don’t know what kind of clock is ticking away in their life. But I know this- your grace can be heard over, under and through it. Like the music heard over a metronome. Like a radio cranked above an engines’ whine. Lord- I ask you to bring to remembrance every instance of grace in our lives. Start with the Grace that saves- the grace heard first on the cross. And keep going lord, with grace that has carried us through hard things- happy things and even the hardest things. Let it be a chorus that crescendo’s in our hearts this week. Even Here. Where ever we are. I love you Lord. And trust you to continue to be present. No matter what happens. Amen.
Sunday one of our Pastor’s preached on Sustaining grace. I’m glad he did. I needed the reminder. Maybe you do, too.
Especially this one:
” But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 2:9
Which led me to this:
“To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the
only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore!
Amen” From Jude 24
And this- by Max Lucado:
“Sustaining grace does not promise the absence of struggle but the presence of God.”