“You’re the most confident person I know.” Every time I hear this- I have two responses: First-I laugh. Because really- Duh. I’m not. Second: I wonder to myself- “Am I that bad of a communicator- or am I less transparent than I think I am?” (Can you be a poser and not know it? I don’t even know.)
I feel I write and speak ad nausea about my insecurities. (Click the links for a few examples. People. I am messed up. “Insecure” should be stamped on my passport. And- I have to confess- I recently crossed the 2 pair of Spanx barrier- yes- you can wear 3- you cannot breathe, but you can do it. I only recommend this for extreme forced photo opportunities, especially ones where your being conscious isn’t necessary.)
Yet- people seem to think I’m confident. I don’t get it.
The truth is: I’m not confident. Which is probably why I spend as much time dying my roots and maintaining my appearance as some women spend maintaining a garden that feeds 12. (I totally made that up. In fact- I’m so insecure- I’m now afraid you’re now judging me as shallow and vain. So I want to make it clear- including a shower and hair drying- I get dressed and made up in about 45 minutes. 20 if I skip the shower. Which I think is less time than it takes to care for a garden of that size…..except I don’t “do” dirt, so I am totally making that up. (Not a fan of gardening. Much rather stick pre-potted plants on the porch and call it done.)
I could track back and try to blame my entire elementary school for my insecurities- but that wouldn’t be enough. (Although sneers of “four-eyes, metal mouth” and other meanities linger I know there’s more to it than glasses and braces and leg braces and home perms…..(Although- really? Home perms never should have been legal. Doesn’t ANYONE protect the children? Sheesh.) – Next- I’d have to blame middle school, puberty, high school and then? Probably God. I mean- He made me with crooked teeth, crossed eyes a bundt-cake butt and pigeon toes- right? (I may have contributed to the bunt cake butt thing…. but I digress..)
Anyway- all that blame would still leave me: insecure. Blame doesn’t change insecurity. (See the above? Ive tried. Didn’t work.)
I am still- insecure about my abilities.(I literally feel nauseous every time I hit “Post” or send in a submission, or am preparing for a talk. Which I do: a lot. ) Insecure about my relationships. (Friends will tell you I over analyze everything.) Insecure about my parenting. (Okay- I’m paranoid that I’ll wreck my kids…. they are incredible- but I’m always afraid I’ll wreck them. Am I too permissive? Too controlling? Too transparent? Too reserved? Yup- I make crazy, look normal. Just sayin’) I’m even insecure about my relationship with God. Am I spending enough time in the word? Am I praying enough? Honest, enough? Obedient enough? Trusting enough? Do I trust in His love and grace enough?
The bottom line? I’m always wondering: Am I good enough?
Not exactly the thoughts of someone who’s “confident.”
The thing is: I do stuff anyway.
Especially stuff I’m passionate about. Honestly? I can’t help it. If I’m passionate about something- it doesn’t matter if I feel confident or not- I have to do something. Sure, sometimes I mess up, over step or don’t step up. I say too much- or don’t speak up. But, I try.
I’ve learned to be secure in my insecurity. I own it. It doesn’t own me. God does.
The bottom line is this- I struggle with insecurity. I have a voice in my head (It’s mine- don’t worry.) that calls out my faults: “You’re too: Fat. hyper, talks too much, scattered, rambles, have the legs of a hobbit….” But- I choose to listen to the quiet voice that speaks the truth: I was planned. I am loved. I am needed. I am wanted.
If I seem confident to you- know this: I am confident in HIM. His ability to create me for a purpose. His ability to fulfill his plans in and through me- and His ability to overcome my insecurity.
(And maybe in a good pair- or 3- of supportive undergarments…. just for good measure.)
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Dear Lord- Let these words be written in my heart and resound in my head. Help me to get over myself and trust in you. I also ask that each one who reads would be touched and strengthened to do the same… we’ve got a world to love in your name….and we can- if we don’t let our fears and insecurities stop us. Thank you Lord for constantly changing and challenging me. Grow me into all You have for me- I love you Lord- amen. (PS I’m still pretty sure I’d be more effective at spreading the gospel in a size 8 jean….. if you could arrange it…justsayin. )