It takes me awhile to settle in- my arms are weak and scooting my bundt-cake backside all the way to the back of the brown microfiber seat involves what should or could be a yoga pose- probably because my legs are too short to actually reach the ground. Then- I have to prop pillows under my arms to relieve the pulling that makes my lame neck and shoulders spasm. Once that’s done- I add a wedge pillow under my legs to elevate them a bit more- cause it just plain feels better. (ok- so I have to lift my legs while my youngest shoves the wedge into place- it;s a little like one of those Nickelodeon show challenges….. only less fun.)
Once all that is done- I add a pillow to my lap to elevate whatever I want to do (knitting- computer, iPad, kindle…. cause holding stuff up and looking down both feel like being in a medieval torture device. Well- I’ve never tried one- but I’m assuming…… yanno.)
Then, I set my pile of “stuff” next to me on the table- something to sip, something to do, something to read.
Which is about the time I suddenly feel like I have to pee.
To be honest- this perfectly comfortable (it has a vibrating massage thing , heat and is electric so I don’t have to hurt myself to get the recliner to recline….- for pete’s sake) chair has been feeling like a trap. I’ve begun hating it. i don’t WANT to sit. I don’t want to HEAL. I want to DO stuff. I want to BE healed. I also feel serious mommy-guilt when I sit in the chair telling everyone what they need to clean/ do. It’s just not my style…I’m a doer- not a delegator. It’s really awful when I have to ask hubby for help… the dude has cancer. I feel like I should be helping HIM.
I feel trapped by the neck brace.
I feel tapped by the pain.
I feel trapped by the boredom and stress.
I feel trapped by my limitations and guilt.
I feel trapped by THE CHAIR. (Honestly- once I’m in it it’s great (for my neck and back at least)—– until I have to get out…. then- red the paragraph above and add a battle of the bladder or ringing phone or whatever else I need to get up to do…..
But it’s not about the chair. It’s about my attitude.
Which got a little God adjustment yesterday.
Yesterday- I left the house- I even drove! (doc’s approved no more than 30 mins total per day I don’t even want to drive that much- it hurts) I took Nah to a movie- then the bookstore then met hubby for lunch… and hit walgreens… we needed stuff- but the truth is I was avoiding going home- to the chair.
I didn’t want to feel trapped.
Just about the time I was considering one more stop to do anything but go back home to the trap…. I got a text that said: ” Go check your porch.”
A friend (Shawna Lee Irish- a MOPS International Field leader I work with- who is actually a sister my mother must have forgotten giving birth to.) had sent me something special……
I went straight home. (Presents are a pretty good motivator- just saying.)
I opened the box and found this- a beautiful nest- to remind me God s with me- even here…… even under glass when I feel a bit trapped…..even here- when I feel fragile.
Today- I went through the same ordeal to get into the chair…. yoga poses and all- and then I could see this—
And instead of feeling trapped- I feel like I’m in a safe nest—- being transformed- healed. Getting ready to fly.
Today- maybe you feel trapped- by a chair, by your body- or marriage, or a crisis in your family or work…..or by a thousand there things….
I don’t have pat answers for you- I do have this-I can share with you the hope I am being reminded of- right now in this chair….
He is with you, even there.
Dear lord- thank you for the friends I have who love me even here- thank you for your gentle reminders when I’m in the middle of a pity party that would put a Kardashian wedding to shame….thank you for your gentle healing and thank you for being with me- even here.