From Trapped to Transforming.

It takes me awhile to settle in- my arms are weak and scooting my bundt-cake backside all the way to the back of the brown microfiber seat involves what should or could be a yoga pose- probably because my legs are too short to actually reach the ground. Then- I have to prop pillows under my arms to relieve the pulling that makes my lame neck and shoulders spasm. Once that’s done- I add a wedge pillow under my legs to elevate them a bit more- cause it just plain feels better. (ok- so I have to lift my legs while my youngest shoves the wedge into place- it;s a little like one of those Nickelodeon show challenges….. only less fun.)

Once all that is done- I add a pillow to my lap to elevate whatever I want to do (knitting- computer, iPad, kindle…. cause holding stuff up and looking down both feel like being in a medieval torture device. Well- I’ve never tried one- but I’m assuming…… yanno.)

Then, I set my pile of “stuff” next to me on the table- something to sip, something to do, something to read.

Which is about the time I suddenly feel like I have to pee.

Of course.

To be honest- this perfectly comfortable (it has a vibrating massage thing , heat and is electric so I don’t have to hurt myself to get the recliner to recline….- for pete’s sake) chair has been feeling like a trap. I’ve begun hating it. i don’t WANT to sit. I don’t want to HEAL. I want to DO stuff. I want to BE healed. I also feel serious mommy-guilt when I sit in the chair telling everyone what they need to clean/ do.  It’s just not my style…I’m a doer- not a delegator. It’s really awful when I have to ask hubby for help… the dude has cancer. I feel like I should be helping HIM.

I feel trapped by the neck brace.

I feel tapped by the pain.

I feel trapped by the boredom  and stress.

I feel trapped by my limitations and guilt.

I feel trapped by THE CHAIR. (Honestly- once I’m in it it’s great (for my neck and back at least)—– until I have to get out…. then- red the paragraph above and add a battle of the bladder or ringing phone or whatever else I need to get up to do…..

But it’s not about the chair. It’s about my attitude.

Which got a little God adjustment yesterday.

Yesterday- I left the house- I even drove! (doc’s approved no more than 30 mins total per day I don’t even want to drive that much- it hurts) I took Nah to a movie- then the bookstore then met hubby for lunch… and hit walgreens… we needed stuff- but the truth is I was avoiding going home- to the chair.

I didn’t want to feel trapped.

Just about the time I was considering one more stop to do anything but go back home to the trap…. I got a text that said: ” Go check your porch.”

A friend (Shawna Lee Irish- a MOPS International Field leader I work with- who is actually a sister my mother must have forgotten giving birth to.) had sent me something special……

I went straight home. (Presents are a pretty good motivator- just saying.)

I opened the box and found this-   a beautiful nest- to remind me God s with me- even here…… even under glass when I feel a bit trapped…..even here- when I feel fragile.

Today- I went through the same ordeal to get into the chair…. yoga poses and all- and then I could see this—

And instead of feeling trapped- I feel like I’m in a safe nest—- being transformed- healed. Getting ready to fly.

Even here.

Today- maybe you feel trapped- by a chair, by your body- or marriage, or  a crisis in your family or work…..or by a thousand there things….

I don’t have pat answers for you- I do have this-I can share with you the hope I am being reminded of- right now in this chair….

He is with you, even there.

Dear lord- thank you for the friends I have who love me even here- thank you for your gentle reminders when I’m in the middle of a pity party that would put a Kardashian wedding to shame….thank you for  your gentle healing and thank you for being with me- even here.

2 thoughts on “From Trapped to Transforming.

  1. I am a soggy mess right now, as I sit trapped by a body that aches so badly and skin that is burning from the very IVIg that in 2 days will give me the strength and immunity to be able to leave my house and care for my children for the next 3 weeks until it stops again,. Thank you for praying with me and loving me when I feel like I can’t take one more step, handle one more setback. God knew what he was doing when he gave us each other! Love you, sister!
    ps. we are bringing chairs into the FL Training room that have arms. I can’t have dangly arms for hours on end, either. Just sayin’.

  2. Athena says:

    Pretty sure we get to have a cry fest in one of our rooms in Dallas, right? Love you and miss you so much. Praying.

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