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In Which I Tear Down My Own House. Because I’m Foolish or, a Zombie.

I took the sledge hammer and hoisted it up to my shoulder. “This is gonna be harder than I thought.”  I said to absolutely no one. (But was probably heard by every neighbor on my street. It was a Saturday- which is the suburban word for: “Go outside and dig up or cut down whatever grew while you were working all week.” (In my opinion- yard work is like trying to slay a zombie dragon: it won’t die and may eat your brains.) Everyone was slaying their dragons and planting the next weeks crop. (Funny how we suburbanites plant and cut and plant and cut without reaping anything but sweat. But, I digress- also- thats’ a lie- my husband has a garden. He harvests tomatoes. Enough to choke a dragon.Which- I may try in July. Again: digression.)

I’d say I swung the sledge hammer with the power of an 80’s hairband smashing a guitar, but you’d totally know that was a lie. I swung it more like a rusted antique kids bank I saw on an episode of “Pickers.” (Hint: it wasn’t picked.) The groaning and squeaking of joints and bones was audible.  Closing my eyes and exerting enough to squeak out more than a groan… (I have boys- think about it. I’ll give you time….) Get it? Ha! And sorry. That was gross.

Anyway- when I finally brought the hammer down, I heard a: “BANGCRUNCHBAM.” Which I was convinced was the sound of an accidental- self decapitation. However- since my head (for the most part) remained attached, I knew it wasn’t. (If you’re a new reader- scroll back a few posts- I have serious neck issues.) And because I could: I swung again. And again. “BANGCRUNCHBAM.””BANGCRUNCHBAM.””BANGCRUNCHBAM.”

It wasn’t the sound of a decapitation. It wasn’t the sound of a lawn dragon being slayed….it was the sound of me, tearing down my own house.

Brick by brick.

With my own hands.

Okay. That whole things was a lie.  Kind of.

At least the parts with the sledge hammer and the swinging was. Forgive me?

What actually happened, was much less dramatic but equally destructive. It sounded more like this:

“Swipe. Sign. Ca-ching. Gasp.”  No- that’s not me playing a bad round of mechanical golf.(But- it could be, if mechanical golf even exists.)  It’s the sound of me spending more than I need to, yet again- at Target. (I think There are invisible Target Gnomes that throw stuff into your cart when you’re not looking…..(Hmmm dragons and gnomes in one post? Can you tell I’ve been watching Grimm? Let’s move on…)

“Smoosh, chew, swallow.”  Repeat. No, that’s not a giant eating its scrambled golden eggs….it’s the sound of me: eating yet another, tasty but entirely nutrient deficient-chemical cupcake.

“BLAH, BLAH, SCREAM, SCREAM,  BLAH, BLAH,  NAG, BLAH, BLAH.”  Do I really need to explain? Fine- but I know you get it- you just want to hear me say it:  That’s me- ripping the eardrums (and hearts but hopefully not the souls) out of my family…. in love- of course.

The number of ways I wield a sledgehammer at my own house makes Lady Gaga’s Costume changes look amateur. (Okay- I’ve never been to a Gaga Concert… that was misleading. Sorry about that too- But, I have a point… I promise! And it’s even biblical!)

The wise woman builds her house, 
    but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1

(If you really want  pinch- read all of Proverbs 14….If you don’t feel convicted- you might be a mommie-zombie- take a nap and read it again. justsayin.)

Here’s the thing: I’ve never used a sledge hammer- but I’ve taken plenty of self destructive swings at my own home. Maybe not the house itself…. but the place I live.

My relationships. (Being screamy and naggy- doesn’t build intimacy, I read that somewhere.)

My body. (Eating junk doesn’t make you feel better, in the long run.)

My finances. (Spending money means you have less to give and don’t have it when you need it… which may sound simple- but man.. there are a lot of cute shoes out there I could buy…..and  stuff I think I need. But don’t. PS: There are no jeans that make you magically lose weight. Duh. Learn for my mistakes.)

Ouch.

I always thought I was nobody’s fool…. instead I find out I am.

But the hammer is in my hands- and I can put it down.

Right now.

So can you.

“Dear Lord- you know all the ways I destroy instead of build up- I pray that you’d help me to put the hammer down and wise up. There are enough things trying to tear things apart in this world- I don’t want to be one of them. I love you lord- amen.. PS All those lies?  They were just me- being creative— right? Like fictional non-fiction? We can talk about that later…..amen- again;) “

2 thoughts on “In Which I Tear Down My Own House. Because I’m Foolish or, a Zombie.

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