Back on June 30, I went out for a wun (walk/running hybrid that i’d been doing) and a block from my house- about 3 miles into a 5 k trial…. something “gave” in my knee/ leg. Something I should have “kept” in order to walk without pain.
I instantly realized: “This isn’t normal.” Because, I’m brilliant, or something. I iced it. I went where I needed to go and did what I needed to do and eventually went to the doctor. I went to urgent care. I made an appointment with an orthopedic specialist. I may have called the president. Or, been tempted to.
I’ve had more x-rays than the Detroit Metro takes of luggage in a year. I won’t need a halloween costume, I’m expecting to: glow. I had hoped that the radiation would at least cause my leg-hair to fall out… I’m not that lucky. (But am creative and ever trying to see an “upside” to these things.) I had an MRI and can tell you exactly how much fat there is in my leg. I can also assure you , that I am not, in fact “big boned.” Which is mostly a bummer.
Internal derangement of the knee ( cartilage/ meniscal issues)
Tendonitits/ pes bursitis
Stress fractures of the tibia- Lower tibia and upper
I spent 4 weeks on crutches. I was a good patient. (Mostly.)
5 weeks ago I sucked up my fear and had a steroid shot in the tendon. It hurt something awful for a couple of days, and then: poof! It was better! At that appointment, the doctor said he’d have my insurance approve a shot into the joint with a different substance that could help with my “derangement.” (Be quiet. I know what you’re thinking.)
Yesterday, I took a xanax, (HATE the idea of a shot in the knee again, but am desperate for pain relief and would love to be able to walk without pain.) and went to my appointment. I felt a weird mixed of excitement and anxiety. I was totally willing to endure some heightened short term pain so I could: BE DONE. I thought I was crossing a finish line.
Not so much. Another set of xrays and a consultation later, and I have an appointment for another MRI. While things have been improving one area at a time.. ( the lower stress fracture is fine, the tendonitis and bursitis are much better) the localized sharp and deep pain is definitely coming from a very clear vertical fracture near the top of my tibia. Which is healing verrrrrrry slowly.
It wouldn’t help.
It wasn’t until I reached the counter where I’d planned to get my traditional “after facing the fear celebratory-cupcake” that I realized how disappointed I was.
The glass cupcake case was empty. I had to blink back tears to keep from crying. I don’t usually cry over cupcakes.DISAPPOINTED. (All caps are truly necessary- cause that’s how it feels.)
The next MRI will tell us whether I’ll need to have surgery or some other form of treatment. For now: I’m still in pain. There’s not much that can be done about it.
I’m walking on a cracked bone. And– thats what it feels like. Every step hurts. It hurts when I’m sitting, it hurts when I’m standing. It hurts at night and it hurts while I’m sitting here typing.
I was tired of being in pain about 13.2 seconds after it happened. Now? Im just hobbling around and feeling awful. I’m tired of not being able to do the things I want to do. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of feeling like everyone is sick of hearing about it. (I would be.- and actually- I’m tired of hearing about it too.)
It’s not cancer. I’m not dying. I’m tired of whining about it. And- honestly- I feel guilty for complaining about it. (see statement above: it’s not cancer and I’m not dying. In the big scope of things- this is an annoyance and an inconvenience- not a tragedy.)
I have things I need to do. I have a book proposal that I need to get done by the end of the month. Instead of focusing on what I can’t do and continually jumping back into the self pity- pit. I’m going to just hobble along, with a limp, in the direction of my dreams.
Sometimes, that’s the best we can do.
I know a lot of moms, and most of us have “limps” that hurt us and disappoint us. Some have literal limps, like the one I’m experiencing now. Some have less visible and more painful limps. Limps caused by abuse, experiences or choices.
If you’re limping along- I want you to know you’re not alone. It’s normal to hurt when you’re injured. And we all have limps of one sort or another. Together? I’m convinced we can limp and hobble along in the direction of our dreams…. I’ll help hold you up- and you can help me…
“Dear lord- I pray for each one that comes by today that is facing their own limp and hobble… I pray that they’d find healing and peace and relief in your time and that they’d have patience as they wait. I pray thsat when the disappointments overwhelm and make us blink back tears over cupcakes, we’d know we’re not alone and that even if no one else understands our pain, or if everyone else is tired of hearing about it… you understand and are ready to listen….. I love you lord- amen— ps you know that whole :knit me together in my mother’s womb verse? Yeah.. can you reknit this tibia for me? thnx- amen)