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245 miles later… in which I confess self-hatred…well of my butt, at least.

“You’re a cow.  Look at those cankles!  Your arms look like over-stuffed sausages.  Your butt is spherical! Should butts be spherical? I don’t think so. That kangaroo pouch you got going on could hide a volkswagon…you don’t need a tummy tuck, you need a body tuck. That second chin looks like it’s eating your head….  Your legs could be models… for cottage cheese….Why bother working out?  You’re gonna die fat.”

These aren’t lines from a reality show where Simon Cowell confronts fat people.  They are things I think and say to myself, every single day.

Here’s the thing- If I heard anyone else talking to someone like this, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from interjecting and confronting the mouthy one.  I’d call it what it is.. abusive. I’d never say anything like this to or about anyone else.

So, why am I fine with treating myself this way?

  • Do I think I deserve it?  Maybe. Do I actually deserve it?  No one does.
  • Do I believe the things I think?  Yeah, pretty much. And I hate to admit it.
  • Do I think it will help me change?  Well.. some part of me must.. but I also know the truth is it just makes me feel worse. Feeling worse leads to cupcakes.. trust me on this.

When I started walking/running, I thought the pounds would melt and I’d start to feel better about myself.  I thought that I’d feel better at least knowing I was doing something about it… I don’t. Now, I just feel fat and tired and sore and slow. Oh yeah, and sweaty.  My favorite look.

The truth is- I’m discouraged. Very, discouraged. And maybe a little depressed. (or a lot.)

This weekend I saw pics of myself and had to struggle not to cry.  After 245 miles of training, I’m still fat. It feels so unfair. I feel ripped off. It’s one thing to not be doing anything and not lose weight.. but to be working out for 1-1 1/2 hours a day and still not see much progress… well, that just sucks.

I could put on a happy face and play nice Christian girl and quote platitudes about learning patience and acceptance… I could post the verse about running and not being weary…and eagles wings and all.. I know the verses.  I’ve quoted them often.

I’m just not feeling it.  What I am feeling is: angry. Angry at myself for letting my weight get so out of control and angry at God for not just zapping me and making me thin. (Why isn’t there an app for that?)  At least I’m angry at him for not making the “whole exercise and you lose weight”, thing work so far.  I know I know.. he cares more about our character than our comfort….. but come on. Some progress to keep a girl motivated, would be good.

I’m so discouraged and frustrated that I’m having a hard time seeing the truth. Lies and harsh words about my body are clouding my view. SO today, I’m writing out the truth.  Both the truth about how I feel.. and the truth about how I’m doing.

The truth is,  when I look at my medical chart,  instead of the mirror, I do see progress. My cholesterol is down and so is my blood pressure. Clothes are fitting differently.  I’ve lost  inches, if not pounds. I can see a difference in my legs and not quite as spherical- backside. It’s just not very fast.

The truth is, that while I still feel fat and like I’m not making progress… I actually, am.

2 months ago I could barely walk a mile and a half. Now, I’m averaging over 20 miles logged a week.  That’s 4 miles per day, 5 days a week. Everyday I’m running more and walking less. That, is progress. Last week I walked/ran 6 1/2 miles in one workout. THAT is progress.

I don’t want to quit.  I want to keep working.  I want to feel better and be kinder to myself… I want to take care of myself the way I take care of others… I want to treat myself the way I treat others…

I would NEVER talk to anyone else like that… it’s time to stop talking to myself like it.

I’m doing what I can. The results aren’t up to me. But NOT QUITTING, is.

So I won’t.

Are you frustrated with an ongoing challenge?  Are you feeling angry and ripped off?  GIve me a shout out in the comments.. and I’ll pray for you… we can get through this.. and get better- together.

Lord- You know how I’m feeling and how I’m talking to myself.. first- I’m sorry for talking to your girl like that. I know it hurts you- too, not just me.  Please God.. give me your eyes not just for others- but for myself… help me to value myself at any weight, and to care for myself and my body in a way that honors you. I pray for each one who reads that if they are facing a frustration or challenge.. that they’d know they aren’t alone, and that you are big enough to handle our feelings.  The good the bad and the angry.  I love you Lord and thank you for listening… even if you don’t just zap me skinny. Amen

5 thoughts on “245 miles later… in which I confess self-hatred…well of my butt, at least.

  1. I kept looking at your banner to make sure I wasn’t on my blog, because you wrote out my recent life story. The hardest part is drastically changing our lives, to work that hard and then lose nothing. Same thing happened to me, clothes fit a little different, I’m sure my heart was stronger, but no weight came off. I began to wonder if I secretly didn’t want to lose weight, what was physically wrong with me and mentally tore myself apart every day. When I see a picture of myself it plunges me into deep depression. I truly advise for you to avoid them for right now. I also encourage you to keep at it, while we aren’t seeing results, we are doing what God has asked us to do. Hold onto that.

  2. Sorry you’re going through this too.. but, I’m glad neither of us is alone. 😉

    My doc is running a bunch of blood work.. I’m wondering if there’s something wrong.. but doesn’t every fat girl wish it was her thyroid? Some of my initial blood work came back wonky (not my thyroid)…so we’re trying to figure out whats up.

    Which is stressing me out and not helping:P

    will pray for you! And I hear you- no looking at pics rt now. NOT even gonna let any be taken.

  3. Hang in there Tracey. You are such a beautiful woman – in so many ways! I am proud of you for your courage and tenacity. I am inspired by your motivation. Hugs to you from your MOPS buddy.

  4. Thnx Emily.. I’m gonna need a recommendation for a first 5k….I’m just about ready! (I’ll be slow but I may even be able to run the whole thing;) any you think would be a good first race in 25 years? 😉

  5. Thank you so much for the prayer, I have been praying for you the past couple of days. I totally thought my Physical would come back saying it was impossible for me to lose weight…..but of course everything was fine on the thyroid front! : ) Tomorrow is another day, I just need to choose to “show up” and work out! Well and not eat a lot…..

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