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In mid-air…(or: Flailing while I’m falling and waiting to land:)

When I blogged THIS a few weeks back, … I had no idea how appropo’ it would soon be.  Funny, how that works sometimes:)

I recently took a few “nose plugged, jumps” in my life (ok- some were more like being pushed off the edge of a waterfall.. but, same effect;)  I took a few risks, I made a few changes and a few decisions.  I closed my eyes, I plugged my nose…jumped… and now?   I am hanging in mid-air, waiting to land.

At the waterfall, the payoff was immediate.  I plugged my nose, closed my eyes and I felt the rushing water on my toes before my brain registered that I had actually jumped.  This time?  Not so much.  This time?  I’m starting to wonder if I’ll be able to hold my breath long enough to survive the jump.   I don’t so much like waiting.

Am I really concerned about surviving?  No.  Not really.  This isn’t survival type of leaps.. but I sure am concerned about my comfort upon landing:) For now— I don’t so much like the waiting.  It FEELS like I may not make it.. it FEELS like the jump is endless… but, I know it isn’t.  It’s temporary.  In the big picture of my life .. this waiting to land will be like the waterfall jump caught in the picture.. a moment in time. Emotional, exciting, risky even maybe pivotal ..and also, eventually, OVER. 

My oldest snapped this picture at the waterfall, while I was mid jump.  Once I get past the pudgey mom-bod and the unflattering shot, I see something that resonates with where I am now.  There is something about the attempt to self protect that is in my plugged nose… something about the closed eyes trying not to see what I’m doing.. and something about the arms and legs flailing about trying to steady myself in the air… it almost makes me laugh.  Almost.  Because I feel like if you could take a picture of my right now— and capture my emotions— I’d look about the same.

My arms and legs are flailing around trying to steady myself with possible plans a, b, and c… my eyes are closed in a lil denial of fear once in a while.. and my nose is plugged to keep out the water of worry that sometimes floods my mind.  And, I am waiting to land. 

In the picture at the falls- I see a woman exercising faith. Sure- faith based on experience of watching other jump safely— sure- faith based on taking an exploratory walk around the bottom of the falls to find out where the rocks are….  Sure- faith based on the ability of my body to work the way it was designed… but still, faith. 

In the picture in my mind of my current journey in mid air.. I see much of the same.  A woman exercising faith.  Faith is rarely clean cut and unemotional.   Faith can be messy, clumsy, flailing.  Faith can be strained..and stretched like a muscle.  Through it all? Faith grows. 

The truth about my life is this:  I’ve been through enough rushing waterfalls of faith to know that when I jump…. I will land.  When I land… I will be different.  Stronger, maybe not in myself— but in Him. Even now— still in mid air– I am sneaking in breaths of fresh air.. words of encouragement for people God puts in my life and from their experiences…both living people and peole I’ve only met in the pages of my bible. Once in a while.. I even pry open my eyes and enjoy the view of the beautiful rushing water of life…

You know— I think I just might land… eventually 🙂

A few things I’ve been reading that have given me gulps of fresh air for the jump:

Matthew 17:20

Deut. 31: 6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified ….. for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

“Dear Lord- I know the jump I am experiencing is eventually going to end in a landing of some sort…. I know sometimes landings are hard- and painful.. I also know that you are always there to catch and comfort me.  I don’t know what the outcome of this jump will be— But, I do know that where ever I land- you will be there— and ARE here.. even in mid air.  I love you- Lord, amen.”

While I am waiting…. I am focusing on doing the things that give me the air I need for the jump… I’m praying.. I’m reading.. I’m knitting and spinning and spending time with my family…and in the sunshine. Once in a while– I even sneak in a good cry in the shower:)  What do YOU do when you wait?  How does it help you?

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