Formal Event? Have to go? Hate it? Me too. Let’s talk…Here’s what happens…
1) Dye roots so as not to expose the true age/ hair color of said exec’s wife. (Although brilliant people will quickly figure out that our 20 year marriage leaves me well over 20) Also- search for a way to grow hair 10″ by the end of the week in order to achieve the grecian -goddess type style most desirable for this once a year event. (I only wish my hair was long one week a year- and this is it. Hmmm what to do… Wig? Hairpiece? Or deal with it- and work the short- mom hair cut?.. Look for me, I’ll be the one working it;)
2) Attempt to lose 30 lbs in 100 hours. (So NOT, happening) which leads us to…
3) Purchase extreme underwear that will remind the breasts where they belong and will keep them there for the short-term. Preferably something that will do double duty as a tummy/thigh eraser if possible. (giving birth kids in three different decades seems to confuse the breasts as well as the brain… it apparently makes the run south to escape the chaos) Preferably, said underwear will contain the steel undergirdment of a small city- go with that, it will also assure good posture- although diminished lung capacity could limit your activity.
4) Visit every local (or not so local) store that carries formal wear, to search out the perfect gown. Keep in mind that the perfect gown does not exist, and if it does- it looks like the one you wore last year and the one before that, ad nauseum. FYI it will be Long (to cover cankles) black (always sooo slimming) and matte (we do NOT need a satin shiney hiney- trust me) jersey (a bit of stretch may make the difference between survival and death from asphyxiation) with various necklines and accessories (some of which will be lost between the car and the door.)
5) Spend too much time compensating for your lack of creative choices in gowns, by searching for the perfect shoes. They will be pointy, high heeled, over priced (but, ON SALE) and uncomfortable- quite possible hazardous. But hey- shoes fit. They will however, take forever to find, leave you in pain but, and be beautiful. Unforunately, no one will see them see # 4, above. (Bring comfy slippers for the ride home, you’ll need them.- and, if you’re really the pro-active type- go a head and schedule a podiatrist appointment for early next week- after traipsing around in 5 inch heels climbing in and out of cars and walking around downtown in the freezing cold….you’ll need it. But- your feet will be fabulous;)
6) Purchase yet another set of false eyelashes, (way long, black and crazy curled) which you will promptly rip off in the car on the drive home. (Hmmmmm… we recently got a new(er) car.. I hope a CSI investigator doesn’t buy the old one…. they may be intrigued by the eyelashes and broken fingernails left on the floor…
7) Schedule an appointment for fingernail torture session- I mean a fill or new set of acrylics….. they never break- but surely will do so on Friday- go ahead and schedule the fix now;)
8) Understand, that although decades past puberty, your body will manage to produce a pimple THIS WEEK, that could rival a senior-picture nightmare. Stock up on clearasil (or better yet Retin-A) now. Worst case start a new trend- carry a decorative fan.. this could help with the whole underwear induced lack of oxygen thing…
9) Consider a few tanning appointments, but, remember you live in Michigan, and, although slimming and offering a healthy glow… this ALWAYS looks lame unless you have actually been on a Carribean cruise since Christmas. In the current economic climate in Michigan…. If you have been, I probably wouldn’t admit to or draw attention to it…. you could be targeted for an executive stoning.
10) Unless you have a dramatic flair (why, thank you for noticing, yes, I do) Schedule an appointment with a drama coach to practice feigning interest and a knowledge-base in cars and the surrounding industry. (OK- this one I have covered- while not really caring about cars– Oh the tragedy—I do care about and have an interest in the automotive industry- because my man does;)
I know- I know- every year we go, (you can click every January’s archive for some ridiculous post in regards to the Auto Show) and every year I stress and complain. It is rarely as bad as I think it will be… and, I have even sensed God in the middle of it reminding me of who I really am, and the opportunity to meet people I wouldn’t have otherwise…. all of which I’ve learned from, and enjoyed… but really— just once I’d like to not spring a pimple and be able to find a gorgeous (cheap) gown that fits and shoes that are HAWT but comfy….maybe next year I should send a letter to Santa Claus;)
The truth is- this night isn’t about me.. it’s about being there for my hubby… and- since he’s my date.. it’s all good, well- except for the shoes… they HURT.
For something less whiney and more inspirational- You can click over to my post today at Laced With Grace– the group devotional blog I also write for;)